I assure you that separating bank accounts will work to stop that. I switched tacks and did something close to what you described. He did not give me any support. He was able to respect them for several weeksthen quickly deteriorated to the same behaviors, but worse. Very subtle and not the sort that you can bring others in on. Sincerely, Kim Avery. She curses in front of parents and kids, belittle me many of times.. I feel I am saving my life. (it had worked in the past and thought that as we were married, we would work through it). I want to believe them so much. This may not be 100% true but you are not the expert are you? This is soo much information but I cannot wait to make some changes. At this point though I would like to create a boundary and consequences for his going for drinks afterwards at a very late hour which I find inappropriate and creates a cycle of sleep deprivation and more NPD actions for long periods of time. I wish I would have read this yesterday, and after giving kuddos for better communication and then N becoming evasive againI asked if we were o.k. I wonder if maybe there is something else you wish to gain in doing so.?. He has taken away so many things, but he could not brake my spirit. I had terrible abandonment issues from my childhood and bereavements and his scared child behaviour never helped. The best thing you can do is work on your own codependence. Through this Blog it has become to Clear. As soon as we were separated and he had a chance to talk alone, he turned them against me. I have no problem supporting him to a degree that is part of a partnership but it has been VERY one sided. Not to forget he announced that he wont adjust my status and will get me deported if I do not finally come around! By pushing your buttons you are tempted to verbally protect yourself. Any hope of that happening? I wonder if there are any young men out there who have made a relationship work with a NPD young lady I feel with love and support from friends and family there must be a chance, I would appreciate any advice like most people who deal with this personality type as a mother I have been to hell and back, as well as most advice saying basically its my fault shes like this. My quandry now is the see saw that I am on with him, believe it or not he actually has admitted to me that he knows hes difficult to live with but then he goes back to being Dr. Jekyl this is causing such an absolute drainage on me sometimes I truly want to give-up. He was a leach and a parasite and I didnt need nor do i want him back. so weve come to a better situation, but there is still alot to do. Till I got my papers he was supposed to pay spousal support, court ordered. He was charged with a felony crime for impeding my breath. In my marriage, I only said something when I was pushed to the wall and was accused of being the one at fault because he was perfectly happy in the marriage. But I had disintegrated to such a point I had no fight or self belief left and ended up HAVING to leave suffocating and drowning in his dispair and the financial situation that we had as he would not work and earn. I am so glad to know about it! Whenever she felt smothered by me or felt I went to far it was always because it was me. 18) When I got a fever blister on my lip, because I had been so beyond stressed, you told me that women get it from sucking to much . Thank you again. So stop stalking them on social media or asking mutual friends about them. Being married to this kind of person has got to be the most tiring thing in the world. It has been a terribly difficult 3 years, but understanding I had to stop being the victim & use techniques Ive learned through you and others, has helped. Clever eh. Some hopeful partially answered questions; yet, here we still are: trapped in our own cause of slavery. Well I wanted to update. Do not warn him about this or he may have time to make up a story. I have adopted his ways of thinking. Apologies, crying baby, spelling mistakes and unfinished sentences above. I say, A job is important, it will make you feel worthy; and it will also make me happy. If you are still living with him you are going to need to be very strategic in figuring out how you can 100% limit the abuse. He makes real good money but tells me he works his ass off for me because I quit my job and hurt us. Well things have obviously been pretty delicate since then and Im keeping a healthy distance but we have in the last few months been repairing our relationship. They dont have to know the details but soak yourself in alot of love. Years later he still says it was all my fault and I made it all up. And do narcissists project more than the average bear? And it went too far once, already, he has had an affair. ), unless some woman forces him to that isbut think I need to for myself. Learning to spot non productive conversations and end them before they begin is vital. I am always at fault. Not sure if hes a narcissist but one thing I do know is he is super nice to everyone else unless they piss him off or what he perceives to be an attack on him from someone usually family/me and he lets strangers/co-workers walk all over him. Once he stopped the aderall i could see manipulating, the narassium. He knows how to push my buttons to get me so fired up it turns into a raging fight. During our twenty-eight years of marriage, my husbands manipulation has been very successful in keeping me from many relationships including family, both mine and his. Narcissists: The Master Manipulators He does need to learn that there are natural consequenses for his actions and that I will not always bail him out. This makes me feel degraded. Welcome my channel! It is really unbelievable what they put you through. 6) You gifted me a pair of boots and then pawned them without telling me, when you needed money. Powered by WishList Member - Membership Software. I was going to divorce him and he asked for forgiveness and a second chance it was good for a month but he couldnt keep it up and now 7 months later I am telling him I want a divorce our eclesiastical leader is helping he hopes to heal our marraige But I feel my N is immovable to compromise. I have survived and will be fine, regardless if he gets better or not! 8) When my 15-year-old son called me crying and wanted to move back home after moving in with his dad for a year to try and have a relationship with him which was not working. On another site I read that A true relationship with these people is impossible A relationship of sorts is possible if you are prepared to put in a lot of hard work and be very strong but it might never equal what you deserve and what can be achieved when two people truly love and respect each other. None did any good. Of course that is not going to work and is not really a boundary at all. Forget Counselling..these people are great liars..I got Kims books..they do work. I wish you both good luck . I have never loved nor despised a man as much as my n I was told that Your friends have told me you have drinking issues and you are not in control and Im worried about you This was said in a romantic restaurant in central London so Sandy stormed out and ran away.. (storm no 1) Then I was told that Im not conforming and I should accept him for who he is and was immediately slighted for not complying to his needs Storm no 2 On this one he persuaded me into the car and verbally abused me for an hour whilst locking me into the car Ive had telephone calls at the middle of the night for 3 hours with him trying to explain his point of view because I just dont get it Its a sad thing being codependent but Im now aware of my upbringing and why I always look for men to approve me. He drew me back in, and then I found out at the same time he was softening me up and I was letting down my guard he was seeing and sleeping with an ex-girlfriend! I have been living his desires for all these years. I thought this would be easier than the long, drawn out emotional battles with me trying to get him to be accountable in our relationship. He calls it the 4 Ds of financial abuse: Debt: Every discussion about finances - no matter how mundane - becomes triggering and turns into a panic attack. In the case of a one off event I believe that yes the person should be held accountable preferably by a court of law. How do I protect them? But, I dont know if the good is genuine. Everyone makes choices, let them be formed by their consequences. If you do it again i will go to the police and file a complaint, not just report it, but file a complaint. You wont get it while allowing a NPD to be in it. They are experts at playing with feelings and getting what they want, and you are the one who pays while you self-esteem continues to diminish. Would the more dominate one win out or would they x each other out? But I just feel like Im still the one doing all the work. Steve agreed to put software on his computer so that I could see all that he was up to and maybe you can ask if he will offer to do that too? So conclusion I dont think its wise to ask them would they feel more comfortable getting help from somebody else to help with the situation as they see this as a threat and if they are truly narcissistic they dont think they need help with anything. I want to convey acceptance in this new activity which is actually appropriate but is not leaving time for us or home responsibilities. What are his consequences without losing the weak attachment that we have? Saying he never wanted it to begin with! It has totally changed my marriage. Your suggestions would probably work with those who have narcissistic tendencies but not people who have malignant narcissism which is a very rare condition. The person that I speak of is the worse case of spiritual soul sickness that I have ever encountered in my nearly 60 years of life and nothing that anyone does can do anything more than put up with for a time until in the end, she gets worse than she was when she was the worse the last time. Type in your name, wait 107 seconds, brace yourself. So, I finally left him in December. I left him four months ago , but somehow I found myself in a state of sadness and heart brokenness I have never thought I can handle for such a long time . annulled. Hi Marie and welcome (-: I hope that understanding will help bring you to a place where you can begin to heal the hurt and move on. The self-doubt and anguish and stress it caused me resulted in adrenal fatigue and stress-burnout and a sense of despair so far-reaching that it affected me every day of my life, because I could not comprehend how a person could be so mean and vindictive to someone they say they love so much.. She told me I was her best friend. : ) Stay strong my friends. To me he is like a predator sucking the happiness out of his prey and then throwing them away when they are sad. Read them all cover to cover first, and then start following the steps and doing the exercises. What I have learned is that I can not control or make another person accountable for their action. A person doing something in anger or acting irrationally often plays into the narcissist's narrative that the person has . Most of our issues now revolve around money. Hi John I really feel for what you are going through. You have expressed perfectly what it feels like to be in a relationship with a narcissist. 15) You continuously disrespect and ignore my children when they ask you a direct question and get upset if they dont want to talk to you. Ok, comeback lines for the provocation mentioned before, Kim ideas are welcome: He (saying that doing a favour for one of his attractive female colleagues saved his day, sighing): X, what you are saying hurts me and it reminds of your affair and I instantly feel afraid that you will do this again. Thank you. He got arrested for teen porn on his computer. A week before my birthday Im told that hes going away with his daughter to see his brother in Singapore and my birthday would be missed. Its perfect in every way. I would not stay next time he is cheating. When two month later you parents decided they wanted to stay where they were, and we had to get a roommate to be able to cover the rent, you blamed me for having a stranger living in our home. The thinh that is scary is that he wants big money and power. There is life with or without your Nar. Rather than playing teacher, judge and jury or mother superior instead try some grit with a dash of humility while setting boundaries . I think that is why i am attracted to these kind of people. And thats why its hard. When your second daughters birthday came, keeping in mind again she is 9, a week later, I asked you if you bought her something. This is indeed, a difficult road to travel. NPD is a very child-like personality disorder, so it would behoove us to learn some child therapy techniques if were going to love and live with a Narcissist. When you first met, you likely thought your partner was attentive and wonderful. We had an event October 12th to attend together, and I said we will keep this date, but that if things dont improve, that this will have to be goodbye. The only thing you can do with a narcissist is get them out of your hair. Linda, thanks for your insight. That has caused me to understand that God loves my friend too. I have learned to be a very calm person and have set up healthy and stern boundaries for myself. And if you know you are with a narcissist? Perhaps your local mental health team? When I said your kids learn this bad behavior either to be a codependant or narcissist I see my own children my daughter being unable to keep boundaries and stand up for herself and what she wont accept. I have just learned in the past few months about these disorders. Thank you. Im hoping to share and hear more with everyone. If i was a cheating, lying, deceitful, manipulative, coniving snake.. i doubt id ever want to take a good look at myself. Could I have returned to Germany? These resources wont gaurentee he returns but they will help you understand what went wrong and heal yourself. Kim, what is the natural consequence for ongoing, deliberate, hostile silence that is simply meant to punish? He was physical abuseive at times and pretending he did nothing or I lied or to blame me really messes my self worth up. The child's feelings and reality will not be acknowledged. I know to use more than just a paper towel and water to clean this up so it doesnt smell and is disinfected, but he knows better. I see Absolutely zero accountability for his very mean abusive behavior from him and no desire to do so either. And we are a wealthy family! Hang in there and keep working through the steps and exercises in the books! I was with the love of my life and we were unbelievably happy together, were going to get married, start a family; we would talk about everything together, our hopes / fears / aspirations for our life together. When I was in Grad school, the therapists teaching the classes on Child Therapy would say to ignore a childs bad behavior and eventually it would be extinguished. If money is borrowed I have to ask him to please find a way to make his own money through employment. He will do anything to keep his fear a secret. What Renee wrote could have been written by me. I have found out who I am, what I need to do for me and to protect my children. I am divorced from them, but one has since passed away. Butterfly is my chosen name because if you help a catteiller out of its cocoon it will die. It needs to flap its wings until blood flows to each vien in order to escape the cocoon. Speak clearly and concisely to make them understand you. Hi Kim, thanks for the response. Dont engage, it leaves them stunned. Please consider: Narcissistic people hate it when anyone tries to hold them accountable and so attempting to make them admit their shortcomings or mistakes will only break rapport. Knowing you got paid in the mean time and you lied straight in my face and told me yeah I bought her the doll she wanted Then when I talked to your ex-wife wishing your daughter a happy birthday asking if she liked the present you sent her. I am sure you did all you could and I am sorry that you feel so angry and disappointed I hope that understanding and time brings you healing. Kim, thank you for taking a leadership role and sharing with us what worked for you! Even my grown sons do not understand what I nightmare I went through twice. For all this time I have been working on myself, attending classes through the church (designed for couples, but they are letting me go by myself)and I (unlike him) remember the good timeshe COULD be really, really sweetand my soul still loves him (its the only way I know how to describe it as it takes me out of the very human/ego part of me that is pissed as hell at the childish, immoral behavior)..it also lets me not put the blame on myself (which I bought into, and still do some days, like today). After 37 years he left with his then current lover and finally divorced me. Hi Renee and welcome! Your a God send. This is craziness! If this is your first time seeing my face o. The means of asking for money at the very last minute, the lack of initiate to look for work, and his explosiveness and blaming when he does not receive money he asks for; has now led me very strongly to believe he is narcissist. Thanks Kim.Unfortunately in my sad little world at the age of 51 I dont have any access to money.I rely on my husband totally.I dont even have a bank acc.Unbelevable I know!I met him when I was 15 and never went onto study.I finished high school,did some courses and did work until I had my children.I was lucky to b a stay at home mom.I did work here and there and when the children left home I did have a job at an animal shelter.I left and went to care in the UK and that was absolutely diasasterous for my marriage.He had women in my home and lived the life of a bachelor.Since then I have not worked.I live in a small town and work is really hard to come by.Also I wld have to use his car which he constantly threatens me with.At my age I have no confidence because I am constantly told how thick and stupid I am.I do all my own housework,cooking and so forth.Also every job Ive had hes accused me of having affairs with someone.I dont want to come across as the victim here but thats how it is.My husband has his own business of which I know nothing abt because he says it has nothing to do with me.I have tried to push the issue and get involved but to no avail.So yes,I wld love to purchase ur books but sadly cant,thats why I go online and try and read all I can wherever.Thanks for your time. I am better off without him. that is healthy and will treat her right. Kim, I look forward to buying your books and learning more. They cannot put themselves into your shoes and feel or understand. I agreed to come back to the relationship with many boundaries in place. but then it got controlling and he was saying Im not trying enough and that I didnt understand pressure being a mother and I should work full time then youll understand pressure. Narcissists move on to distract themselves, prey on a new source of attention, or punish you. They wont like what you are saying, but if you show genuine concern for them and let somebody else play the bad guy, you can keep your connection at the same time as setting a boundary. Reassuring him that I am not ending the relationship. 12) While driving the old car you locked yourself out one day and violently damaged the car trying to break into it causing hundreds of dollars of damage, instead of calling me to give you a spare key or calling a locksmith. However, he continued to push and push to see if I would break.trying to get me to act as immature as he wouldso he wouldnt feel inferior.or at least cause me pain to ease his own. What i do is speak to the child in him at that point. We have to stop becoming fuel for these types of people. 16) You continuously ask me for more money and then act like you are doing me a favor by paying it back in monthly payments. And this already had effects. From that second I met her I wanted her. Vindictive narcissists are known to have a hard time letting go of anger and resentment, and may hold grudges against people for things that happened long ago. Hi Kim It is very important that you put all of the steps in Back From the Looking Glass in place. I know how painful this feels. 5) During that second move, you got mad at me again and watched my 11 year old daughter who had been on her feet for two days, with 4 hours of sleep and having a cold. help me please Kim. Ultimately thats whats important if the percentages are ok, My wife been back&4th for all our marriage. Welcome my channel! If he begins to blame anyone else or confabulate you need to be ready to end the conversation very confidently and remain calm and in control of yourself. I was not a good wife, or mother, so on etc. Hes so consumed in his own feelings he actually believes that I hurt him and he is suffering more than I could know, which gives him license to be mean(er). Sounds great, but if all others enable, they do not bear the consequencesany wisdom on how to get his family/my family to stop enabling him so I am not assaulted again? He said he is done trying? Hold them accountable Stop letting them slide with their bad behavior. Hi Butterfly and welcome! Making a narcissist accountable can result in them putting more effort into protecting themselves at the cost of everyone around them. You may also look for help from organisations that help the families of problem gamblers in your area. Where are you now? Your response was that he is a teenager and eats a lot and that it would create more work and trouble. Thanks for your counseling and sharing. We separated for 6 months and identified the things we needed to work on in order for her to move back in and us to be a family again. 3. If they owe you money, hire a debt collector (if you need to) and step away from the adversarial role and let someone else do the dirty work. He was right. Why do feel the need to write and give him this or, of the sort, letter? I also did not raise my voice when I spoke. After twenty-eight years of this, I feel used up and find it difficult to persevere.